it shouldn't be fair that i do nothing but win anyways.

it's tough to call this a win, all i did was get someone to give up on me.

i can't help myself, i always alienate myself from everyone i know, i always become hostile towards people who have done nothing wrong to me, i can't help but push them away, make myself seem awful just so they'll stop talking to me

maybe i'm not making myself seem awful, maybe i just am awful. i mean jeez i just basically ghosted someone because i couldn't be bothered to tell them how i felt.

i must get some sort of kick out of popping into someone's life and dissapearing, it's how i've lived my life since i can remember and i just keep doing it.

even now as i write this it's what i'm planning to do with some of my other friends, WHICH MAKES NO SENSE CAUSE I ACTUALLY LIKE THEM AND WANT TO GET TO KNOW THEM BETTER AND SPEND MORE TIME WITH THEM!!!

WHY AM I LIKE THIS, WHY CAN I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IS WRONG BUT I'M STILL NOT ABLE TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

i feel like i'm never in control of myself, like i'm always watching someone else, especially in social situations, i struggle to even depict them as myself, so i won't.

he's always so annoying in conversations, cutting people off, saying things no one asked for, going on about things no one cares about. i wish he'd shut up, actually, i wish he'd die, i wish he'd die, i wish he'd be run over, i wish he'd dissapear, i never want to see him near any of these people again, anytime he reers his ugly head i want to scream at him BACK OFF, but he always gets the best of me, forces me to hide, promices that he'll keep me safe, that i won't face any pain, that as long as he's around, that i'll be okay, but he lies, he just lies in my place, he takes for himself so that i'm no longer welcome, so i HAVE to hide, because he's forced me to depend on him.

i'd love for this to be the moment where i take control.

where i explaim "NO MORE" and i finally life my life

but the truth is that without him i'm not welcome anywhere

namely at my own home

so i will either have to rely on him for just a little bit longer

or i'll have to take him down with me