i just come out of, what some would consider a "relationship", and when i think over why that was, i realized that somehow i had just faked the entire thing

i think back to moments which, they must have thought were genuine care or moments of "love", but it reality i wasn't even conscious whenever i was around them.

every walk, every conversation, every gift, every compliment, every soul draining kiss and tiering phone call and messaging was all fake...

realizing this has been terrifying

how far would i have gone if i hadn't been forced to stop?

how long would i have played the part of the loving partner without even realizing

when i was in the "relationship", and i struggle to call it that since i never internally though of it as such, i was writing about how much i hated it and how i should leave, but even something so blatent and in my face wasn't enough to make me realize what i was doing.

i don't want to live like that

i don't want to live someone else's life

i need to be conscious

i need to be in control

i need to take action

or i'll live no life at all